The Bandit! Journal

In a surprising new, unscientific study, researchers determined that most cows just don't give a damn about Bandit!'s ongoing struggle to capture the rope bone. Over nine out of ten cows contacted about the issue merely stared blankly at the questioner. When reached for comment, a spokescow wearing ear tag number 100, but who refused to give her name, chewed over the issue - or perhaps just her dinner - briefly before pooping and wandering away. When asked about the study, a local farmer who refused to give his name saying the study was 'idiotic,' said 'cows really don't give a damn about much.' It was unclear if he thought that such bovine apathy was a result of global warming or if it is just another misguided policy of the Bush administration. Through a spokeshuman, Bandit! released a statement supporting the cows; "I love cows. All cows. All cuts - steaks, ground chuck, heck - gnawing on a soup bone is a good way to while away an afternoon." The study was conducted by one of Bandit!'s humans using a sample of cows he happened to find standing near the road. "This is an entirely unimportant issue - you know, the sort of things universities spend enormous amounts of tax payer dollars mucking about with. I'd not be surprised to find Brattleboro adding an item to the warrant [for town meeting] and voting to waterboard any professor who doesn't apply for a government grant." Spokescow number 101 typifies bovine apathy.